account is the journal of an extremely courageous, talented, beautiful young
woman who, due to extenuating circumstances, including family pressure, made
the decision to have a late term abortion. She is now, the mother of an adorable 2
year old girl and the wife of a young man in the armed forces and a person I
feel honored to have met and talked to (over the phone).
The last day I have with Jr. I keep rubbing my stomach, talking to him.
Singing to him, hoping he won't forget the sound of my voice. Praying God
will prevent me from going tomorrow. Crying God will hear me.
Goodbye baby boy
I woke up at 5 am. I got sick and one more time on the way to Cincinnati.
They gave me an I.V. and told me my iron was down but not to worry about it.
The doctor was late flying in from another clinic. She got the 1st
trimester's "out of the way" quickly. I was given two white pills to put
between my lip and gums to dissolve. They were given to me at separate
times. A women beside me was talking about inconvenient it was the doctor
was late because she to get it over with and drive 2 hours to get home. They
called me back into a small room. There was little room to move around in.
The female doctor came in, commented on my purse then asked me a few
questions. She said she was going to numb my cervix, right after she said
that she began the procedure. The first time she went in with a tool I felt
Jr. move, jerk. I was already crying but i totally lost it. I wanted to tell
her to stop, I wanted to protect Jr. but it was to late. The nurse beside me
wiped my tears away, as another nurse was watching the killing of my baby on
the screen of the ultrasound machine. I felt everything, the pain was worse
than having my daughter natural. I heard her chop him up, ( I can't handle
clothes hangers rubbing together it sounds the same), fluid rushing out,
then she turned on the vacuum. She scrapped the insides of my stomach until
i thought i was going to die. I heard the vacuum stop and she took it out,
then they saw something and it started all over. I passed out from the pain.
When i woke up the nurse was still wiping tears from my face. The doctor
left leaving the door open as i lay there half naked. The nurses told me to
sit up, but i said i was to dizzy. One nurse took my I.V. out as she held my
arm, I couldn't feel anything. They sat me up even though I was dizzy and
felt sick. Right in front of me was Jr. in this big Jar. It was completely
full from him and fluids. The nurse saw my face and quickly stood in front
of me while the other got ready to take him out. The nurse who wiped my
tears removed the tray under me and dumped it down the sink, using the
garbage disposal. She handed me wipes sliding the trash can over to me, that
had no top and was completely full of the wipes from the women before me.
She quickly got me dressed, as she carried my shoes she rushed me into the
recovery room after they gave me shots. The women in the recovery room got
upset with me because I couldn't take the pills-I felt like I was going to
get sick-. So, she gave me papers and told me to feel out the "Important
papers" until I feel better. I told her it would only get worse if I tried
to read right now. i asked her for a few pretzels to help my stomach and she
gave me 5 while saying "it won't help". She sat back down and a few seconds
later she was asking me for my pills because they had giving me one in a
shot form. she quickly took the pill back. Then she had me take the rest. My
stomach hurt so bad. The important papers she wanted me to fill out was a
clinic survey on the staff, doctor, etc. She took my blood pressure when I
first went into the room. After about 10 minutes she had me go check me
bleeding. there was none. She let me leave. On the ride home I felt gushes
my stepfather pulled into a gas station. I went to the bathroom sat down and
couldn't even feel myself pee. I had no control over my bladder. When i
stood up I saw all the blood in the toilet, it looked like I had just bled
to death. It was everywhere. Feeling Jr. try to get away I knew it was to
late to save my son. It's hard for me to understand that he is no longer in
my stomach. Now he is in heaven. I'm home, still dizzy, still in so much
pain. I miss my baby. I wonder if he knows I love him. I can't believe I let
the world decide his fate, and I can't believe I couldn't save him.
I have prayed to God for forgiveness. I talk to Jr. a lot. God gave me a
special gift, He gave me Jr. I was supposed to protect him. I love him so
much. In my death I pray God will let me see my baby, let me hold him and
kiss his forehead. I regret losing my baby. It hasn't got any easier in my
head. I know a day wont go by that I don't think of him and regret what I
let man do to me and him. I miss him. I pray to see him while I am asleep
yet nightmares are all I receive. It hurts knowing I will never see him or
hold him. I wonder if he is ok. The thought of him being without his mommy
and missing me kills me inside. God only knows how much I love and miss him.
I want him back so badly safe inside my womb. I am so unworthy. All this
makes me wonder if I have the ability to be a good mother to Abby. If I ever
lost her I would die. Ive lost my son, I cant handle losing her too. Losing
a baby kills ones insides. My heart is so broken. Ill never be the same. A
huge part of me is gone. My son is gone, my baby, my innocent little baby
that only needed love and protection. I couldn't protect him. I couldn't
stop them. He was so scared and I couldn't protect him. It was to late. I
failed him. My heart hurts so bad. He was the victim of this world and I
failed him. My poor baby. I want to see him, want to hold him. Garth Brooks
song when you come back to me again reminds me of him. I miss him. I feel so
AFI's song "silver and cold" is my song to my baby boy.
Jan. 22, 2004
If tears could bring back my son he would be here, safe in my tummy. I miss
him. This pain is getting no better. How do I get over losing him, losing my
baby? How, when I am so afraid of forgetting him, forgetting how it felt
when he would move around. Seeing him stretch on the ultrasound. I've had
nightmares for three nights now. I just want him back. How can one let go?
What do I do? My baby God, I want him back. God, bring him back please.
Mike [husband] will be here tomorrow. My mind has been on you constantly.
Please forgive me baby for what I did. I miss you so much. I love you
baby. You're in a safe place, surrounded by love. I hope you get my kisses
I send. I talk to you a lot. I pray you hear me. I have no right to call
myself your mother for what I have done. If tears could turn back time I
would still have you. I love you. Please don't forget that. I keep
thinking back to that day how I kept getting sick, I believe it was you
begging me not to go. Then, feeling you try to get away my poor baby I am
so sorry. I am living in a nightmare I can't wake from. I want you back so
much. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to sing you to sleep
and hold you. I am sorry. I am going to be forever haunted by what I have
done. I guess it is only right. I love you Jr. hopefully I will be able to
be your mommy in Heaven and do everything I want to do. Everything a
mother should do. I love you
Jan 23 2004
To know my baby died is enough to learn the first thing they did was to rip
him apart then crush his skull kills me.
Jan. 28 2004
I went to the E.R. on the 25th, because I was passing blood clots the size
of a small fist. I called the clinic I had the abortion at and they said it
was normal. So I went to sleep at 3 am and woke up and changed my pad again
and my bloody clothes at 3:30 am. I was going through 2-3 pads per half
hour. I couldn't move a muscle or a clot would come out. I put a towel under
me then went back to sleep after all the clinic said it was normal. 8 am I
woke up, told my husband to watch the blood on the bed, ( it soaked through
my clothes, the folded towel onto the bed). I walked to the bathroom and
passed out. My husband woke me up and I was on the floor I didn't even make
it to the bedroom door. I went to the bathroom while he went to get my
mother. I passed 5 huge clots in a row. My mother came in and I passed out
in her arms. her and my step dad carried me into the my bedroom. I woke up
burning up. I kept asking if I was going to die. I felt like I was. I was
carried to the car. My heart beat was normal laying down but when I stood up
it went to 142 and my blood pressure went down to 75/36 from 99/40. I lost a
third of my blood and was severely anemic. I had to go to surgery on the
26th a d&c and a laparoscopy. That would be a D&E and a d&c in one week. My
tongue and gums were white and my lips were the color of my skin. I just got
home today. After 10 I.V.s, 9 times having my blood drawn. I almost died. If
my husband wasn't there to wake me up and get help I would have died. I was
on the forge of having a blood transfusion. I had a blood count of 7. It is
supposed to be in the 12. I told my mom when I passed out to give my
daughter a kiss for me and to tell her I loved her. I was afraid of not
waking back up, I was so scared.
I am going to destroy this marriage. I am so messed up inside. I cant even
grieve but in bits and pieces because of Abby. I take everything out on
Michael. My everything has become my verbal punching bag. I can feel myself
falling apart. And there is nothing I can do about it. I try to ignore it
run away from this pain but there is no escape. I cant live with this pain,
it is eating me alive. And I am destroying every close one around me. What
if my husband realizes I am nothing at all but pain. If only he was there
that day, felt Jr. move saw him like I had. Maybe he would understand my
pain. I wish he could have seen him alive, felt his little movements. A
battle is going on inside my head, inside my heart. It makes me want to die,
to know I will always have this pain, always this emptiness. An emptiness
even Michael can't fix, only Jr. I would have been 20 weeks pregnant today.
Someday I can go with fighting back the tears. But other times I cant stop
There is a passage in the bible I wrote in my journal it is how I feel right
now. Psalm 38 sorrow of sin.
My heart screams with pain. I will never be the same, not after what I have
done. I close my eyes and I see the clinics doors. If only I could turn back
time. Have my son back. 21 weeks and 2 days I would have been. Nothings
getting easier. I am Jr's gravesite. He died in me, he was murdered in me. I
am his tomb, his grave my tattoo is his saying and name plate. I am only 18
years old. The greatest pain a women can ever feel is the lose of her child.
Only I was the cause, they couldn't have killed him if I didn't go to the
clinic. He was in me, I was supposed to protect him. Why did this happen? If
I would have stood up. If I would have done what I wanted. To leave the
clinic to not kill my son. I wanted him. I love him. I need him. My little
boy. My baby. Everything I believe in, my morals, my views everything I am
about I have destroyed. I destroyed myself when I destroyed my son.